Outside My Comfort Zone

I laid awake in fear, fixated on the stars glimmering in the sky above the silhouette of trees through our tents’ mesh door. Arthur and Ryley were already sound asleep next to me, it was sometime past midnight, so I assumed everyone else in the campsite was as well. The unbearable weight on my chest made it nearly impossible to breathe, an all-too familiar feeling, an anxiety attack. A few hours earlier, I used the word ‘confident’ to describe how I was feeling about this trip during our evening circle, where everyone gathers and talks in order. But the truth was, I was beyond afraid. 

While Sean captured this stunning photo of the northern lights, I was quietly working through a panic attack.

I repeatedly whispered to myself, like I did so many times before when an anxiety attack occurred, “you’ll be okay... you’ll be okay… you’ll be okay’. I clung onto my words because I believed it to relieve some worry. The months of anticipation, months of excitement, and months of fear have finally arrived. Tomorrow, on August 13th, 2024, we will be departing from our camp near Kipling Generating Station, about an hour north of Kapuskasing, to embark on a 200km 8-day canoe trip back to Moose Factory on our ancestral highways, the Mattagami River then later into the Moose River. In other words, tomorrow I will be doing something I never did before, and once I’m out there, there is no turning back. 

‘You’ll be okay… you’ll be okay… you’ll be okay’, I quietly continued for what felt like a thousand times. This felt like the last time I could tell someone that I wanted to back out. The last time I could come up with some lame excuse to go back home. The last time to do literally anything to not go. But then I remembered I was surrounded by friends, professionals, and even my partner, Rae. I also remembered I had a goal here, and the only way to achieve it was to push forward and stay. I suffered from anxiety attacks since I was 12 years old, the ones that make reality feel ‘fake’ and the only way to stop them was to be somewhere familiar, or to be held by my parents. I believe this is where my ‘fear of leaving for the unknown’ stems from, as being away from what could stop an anxiety attack from worsening, is out of my reach. And believe me, being in a tent hundreds of kilometers away from home and having no service to contact family, made the feeling worse. 

However, while I was remembering the support I had and the purpose of me being here, I questioned my anxiety attack. Was this the reason why I missed out on it so much? The reason I missed out on my grade 8 graduation trip. The reason is that I missed out on my high school canoe trip. The reason I nearly missed out attending college and moving to the city. Getting to participate in Neemamo Mishkanan was an opportunity I didn’t want but needed. I thought to myself, ‘you can only have courage when you’re afraid, real strength doesn’t come from deflecting fear, but the willingness to accept it and to push forward regardless.” Shortly after, the illusion of my anxiety having power over me disappeared into the night. After regaining clarity, I closed my eyes finally at peace, and as I drifted off to sleep, I remembered what I wrote in my journal 5 months ago: 

‘March 22nd, 2024 

I received an email from the Lake Sturgeon Team letting me know that I have been selected to join the canoe trip in August!! I am extremely grateful for this opportunity. It will assist with strengthening and expanding my own knowledge about my culture and history’.